Advice

Take it slow - Apparently, this is one of the things some people will tell you when you’re in a new relationship. However, the speed of something like this is absolutely irrelevant to me. Most of you know me – I take things as they need to be taken. Period. And if there’s something I really want, I don’t hesitate. I may take my time researching and pondering, but I haven’t reached this point in my life by waiting for the right time. I’ve found that you have to make the time right. Carpe diem, baby! I knew I was ready for a relationship. I actively searched for it. It was just a matter of finding the right person. I don’t mean for it to sound as generic as shopping for the right accessory to go with the dress I just bought (looking for the right companion to go with the life I’m living) but, in reality, it is that simple. Of course, simple doesn’t imply easy.

I had expected my search to take several months. Maybe a year. Maybe more. I had no idea what type of people I’d find out there so I simply kept an open mind, hoped for the best and didn’t get discouraged when it wasn’t the right person. Once I had gone through several people who weren’t quite right, it wasn’t hard to identify the one who was. And, lucky me, he felt the same! So in terms of how fast or slow we move in our relationship, well, let’s put it this way: I’m 45 years old. I know where I am. I know what I want. I know where I want to go. I live by gut instinct which keeps me out of most trouble. And I’m not afraid to get hurt. Seriously. What, exactly, am I supposed to be waiting for? Yes, there needs to be time to get to know one another, determine compatibilities, learn the idiosyncrasies, meet the families and friends. But after that it’s all fair game. I will put myself completely out there and risk whatever it takes to have the relationship I want. I know that if I hold back, I’m not giving myself, the other person, or the relationship the respect that is deserved. There is no successful relationship without that risk. It’s all or nothing. It’s scary as hell. But if it's real, it's worth the risk. Screw it! I’m going for it! Tell someone else to take it slow.

Wherever you go, there you are

Over the last several years I’ve consciously directed my focus inwards on myself. They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else. I found that theory to be extremely insightful but horribly evasive. It’s so much easier to focus your attention on someone else and basically disconnect yourself from your own light. I have an understanding and empathy of people and their life circumstances that makes it easy for me to overlook their shortcomings. Mine, however, can only be addressed and accepted by me and I certainly don’t want to put that on another person. My mom always called me a “people pleaser” and that personality trait has had a negative impact on my life for, well, forever. Yes, it makes me a “nice person” in everyone else’s eyes. That’s a positive thing. But it has also forced me into situations I wasn’t comfortable with and occasionally created a behavior that just wasn’t me. It wasn’t until I spent some serious quality time with myself that I realized these things. I knew this is how I was, but I didn’t make the connection that I had been veering away from my true self and the damage that action was causing me.

There is no magic rule or path to follow that enabled me to find and stay true to myself. I have learned to say No. I have also learned to say Yes. I stop and think of what feels right for me before making a decision. Previously, I would try to make an educated guess as to what the other party would prefer. Now, I’ll take into account how my decision will affect others, but I will also give an honest, thoughtful answer of my own interest.

Once I found the real me, I had to concentrate on the more difficult part of this introspection - learning to accept who I am. I needed to learn to live with my issues or correct them if I couldn’t. I had to look at myself with the same empathy and understanding that I gave to others. They say you are your own worst critic and I’m no exception. So, I gave myself a break. I’ve been through a lot in my life – just like most people have – and every single ordeal, trauma and happening had a hand in shaping me to be the person I am today. I learned from everything and I regret nothing. As long as I’m still learning from life, I’ll always know I’ve done the best I can do. And that alone gives me the confidence to know that I’m worthy of every happiness available to me.

Be happy with yourself. Be friends with yourself. You are the most worthy person of your love and understanding.