Expectations

If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be in a year, well, actually, I was working towards something similar to where I am. But in reality, life rarely, if ever, mimics expectation. We expect to graduate from high school, maybe go to college; we expect to get a job; maybe we expect to get married, have kids. For anyone who has done any of these things, it’s not quite so cut and dried, is it? We expect specifics as well. We hope for a job working with animals or that feeds our creativity or our passion for logic. We want that relationship that enhances our love of skiing or quest for the perfect cup of coffee. We long for children who are not only smart and polite, but are interested in the family business or care about the environment. Whatever expectations you hope for, they are your own little utopia. Little do you know at the time, your real utopia is just a tad different.

My life journey took a huge turn when I found myself single as well as unemployed. Having had 24 years in both my job and my marriage I was obviously starting over. The job hunt was relatively simple – there’s no real emotion involved. Well, some, yes, but it’s nothing like finding a date. I signed up on a few employment sites and searched for the specific job I wanted. I sent several resumes and had a few interviews until I found one that clicked for both me and the company. When I decided to look for a date, I signed up on a couple dating sites and searched for the specific person I wanted. I sent several messages and had a few first dates until I found one that clicked for both of us.

Hmmmm… exact same process...

Yet, somehow the expectations I had for this job were much more closely realized. My expectations for the relationship, however, have been realized quite differently. But not in a bad way.

I expected to be with someone who loves me for me, accepts my crazy time-consuming job, accepts my crazy time-consuming dog, accepts my crazy OCD, shares my love of wandering Downtown Portland as well as other fun venues, isn’t afraid of PDA, doesn’t care what other people think, has confidence in himself, has compassion for others, has tolerance for all.

What I didn’t expect was how much more deeply and far-reaching the qualities of a person can delve. I never imagined being treated so gently and sweetly. To be truly accepted and understood was something I expected but I didn’t know or realize just how differently people convey these feelings. I am still overwhelmed by the complexity of it all. I found myself realizing that I’m kind-of a hard ass – that’s what strong women have to portray. Or so I thought. And as much as I’ve worked on my OCD over the years, I’m far from laid-back. Farther than I’d like. I never expected to find myself. But, I suppose, that is how we find ourselves – by relating to traits and characteristics of others as we get to know one another. It wasn’t until I recognized these traits that I could nourish the positive and overcome the negative. Recognition and realization are actually the easy part – once you have that understood, then work can begin. That’s a longer road, but I don’t have to travel it alone anymore.

I found what I expected. I found what I wanted. I didn’t expect to find myself so enveloped by it. My life is no longer my own and I can’t imagine it ever being again. It’s not perfect and I wouldn’t want it to be. It won’t be without issues and I welcome the challenges. These are the obstacles - not even obstacles, more like events – yes, these are the events that create our character. These are the events that create the story of our lives.

I can’t wait to write the rest of the chapters of our life together, Jeff. There are no words to express the love I have for you. If there are, I don’t know them. Every day I’m taken aback by where we are and how we click on every level. I don’t understand it, but I don’t need to. This is our utopia.