Lance

As the day dawns, I'm hit by the harsh reality that we now live in a world where Lance no longer exists. I knew this, factually of course, but I wasn't able to deal with it or even begin to process it until now. Until after the memorial.

His life was always huge. Everything he did was on a more grand scale than I'd ever seen. And living like that required a fair amount of down time, as well. He kept well balanced. He was materialistic, yet generous. He was professional, yet crazy and goofy. He couldn't be boxed into any specific type of anything.

Our marriage, like many, had its ups and downs. We were able to work through most issues - right up until we weren't. But our divorce was amicable and our friendship did not end. He and I had been together since 1987 - a few months before I graduated from high school. From then on we basically lived the same life. Nearly every story I heard at the memorial, I remembered personally. 

So, after 24 years of marriage, I believe I can say I truly knew Lance. I was his go-to person and he was mine. And, as hard as it may be to believe, there were actually things he didn’t tell other people. He wore his heart on his sleeve and his honesty got him in trouble more than once, but he had hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities that he would never burden others with. And neither will I. Again, even though our marriage didn’t last, our friendship did and with that we were able to move on easily. In the few months he and Brenda were together, Jeff and I got together with them more than a couple times. We were out to dinner with them the night they got engaged. And later that month, Lance asked Jeff to perform their wedding ceremony.

I will think of him every day – whenever I see one of his customers or anyone at Hydra-Power or Shoe Mill, whenever I see one of the 30 different types of cars we owned, when I hear a comedian he liked, when I make a meal he was fond of, cruises, vacations with friends, all of these things and so much more. Nearly every little detail in day-to-day life. I have to block a large part of it at this point because it's too overwhelming. I will get help. I will get through this. I'm thankful that I have the love and support of Jeff. He takes excellent care of me, which is a tough feat considering I don't accept help easily. Or at all, without a fight. But I'm learning.

The other day Jeff and I were watching a comedy show and something in it reminded me of another comedian whose name I couldn't remember. I said, "Lance would know..." Normally, I'd just call or text him. Jeff asked if that was weird. Yes. Yes, it is. And it will continue to be.

My last thought, which both saddens and enlightens me as well: Now he can be with mom.

Namaste, friends.