Expectations

If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be in a year, well, actually, I was working towards something similar to where I am. But in reality, life rarely, if ever, mimics expectation. We expect to graduate from high school, maybe go to college; we expect to get a job; maybe we expect to get married, have kids. For anyone who has done any of these things, it’s not quite so cut and dried, is it? We expect specifics as well. We hope for a job working with animals or that feeds our creativity or our passion for logic. We want that relationship that enhances our love of skiing or quest for the perfect cup of coffee. We long for children who are not only smart and polite, but are interested in the family business or care about the environment. Whatever expectations you hope for, they are your own little utopia. Little do you know at the time, your real utopia is just a tad different.

My life journey took a huge turn when I found myself single as well as unemployed. Having had 24 years in both my job and my marriage I was obviously starting over. The job hunt was relatively simple – there’s no real emotion involved. Well, some, yes, but it’s nothing like finding a date. I signed up on a few employment sites and searched for the specific job I wanted. I sent several resumes and had a few interviews until I found one that clicked for both me and the company. When I decided to look for a date, I signed up on a couple dating sites and searched for the specific person I wanted. I sent several messages and had a few first dates until I found one that clicked for both of us.

Hmmmm… exact same process...

Yet, somehow the expectations I had for this job were much more closely realized. My expectations for the relationship, however, have been realized quite differently. But not in a bad way.

I expected to be with someone who loves me for me, accepts my crazy time-consuming job, accepts my crazy time-consuming dog, accepts my crazy OCD, shares my love of wandering Downtown Portland as well as other fun venues, isn’t afraid of PDA, doesn’t care what other people think, has confidence in himself, has compassion for others, has tolerance for all.

What I didn’t expect was how much more deeply and far-reaching the qualities of a person can delve. I never imagined being treated so gently and sweetly. To be truly accepted and understood was something I expected but I didn’t know or realize just how differently people convey these feelings. I am still overwhelmed by the complexity of it all. I found myself realizing that I’m kind-of a hard ass – that’s what strong women have to portray. Or so I thought. And as much as I’ve worked on my OCD over the years, I’m far from laid-back. Farther than I’d like. I never expected to find myself. But, I suppose, that is how we find ourselves – by relating to traits and characteristics of others as we get to know one another. It wasn’t until I recognized these traits that I could nourish the positive and overcome the negative. Recognition and realization are actually the easy part – once you have that understood, then work can begin. That’s a longer road, but I don’t have to travel it alone anymore.

I found what I expected. I found what I wanted. I didn’t expect to find myself so enveloped by it. My life is no longer my own and I can’t imagine it ever being again. It’s not perfect and I wouldn’t want it to be. It won’t be without issues and I welcome the challenges. These are the obstacles - not even obstacles, more like events – yes, these are the events that create our character. These are the events that create the story of our lives.

I can’t wait to write the rest of the chapters of our life together, Jeff. There are no words to express the love I have for you. If there are, I don’t know them. Every day I’m taken aback by where we are and how we click on every level. I don’t understand it, but I don’t need to. This is our utopia.

Cool

As an early teen I had the same aspirations as most of my peers - how do I fit in and get people to like and accept me? And, like many of my peers, my solution to this extremely important issue was incorrect. But at the time, I, of course, knew everything I needed to know to get on in life. Ah, the teenage years teach us so much, don't they?

I wasn't looking to be part of the "soch" (short for socialite, at that time) crowd. My family didn't have nearly enough money for me to be accepted into that domain. And I was ok with that. Those kids seemed so fake to me and I wasn't into that. The direction I went wasn't much better though. The people seemed more real because they were more accepting and tolerant but I'm not sure they really were.

I started smoking cigarettes at 13. That was the cool thing to do. Oh, and once some of the other kids found out I smoked, well, I was In like Flynn. I had found a whole new group of friends. Once you hold some type of taboo commonality it's amazing how quickly you can find friends. Now, this isn't to say that I didn't have friends. I did. I had some great friends. Only a few, but we were very close. I wasn't looking for more friends, specifically. I was looking for that status of "cool". But you can't have a status of any type without being known to more people. And so the snowball began.

A couple of my close friends were following suit with me. A couple weren't and we ultimately parted ways. I have no animosity towards them and never did. I was on my own path and I knew that. Luckily for me, that's one of those life lessons I learned from my parents at an early age. There are several of those, but that's another story in itself. Not long after starting smoking, I tried drinking. Now I'm cooler than cool! We'd get together for little secret parties, smoke and drink, and have a great time. Keeping it from our parents was the ultimate cool challenge. Because, at that age, you are so much smarter than your parents, right? And to prove that to your friends, brought your status up a notch. I was on my way up.

But by that point I knew I wasn't yet to the top of the ladder. I started smoking pot. Oh, did I like that. I felt invincible and relaxed at the same time. I didn't realize until later that pot had a slightly different effect on me than on most of my friends. It energized and invigorated me and nothing bothered me. Life is stressful as a teen and I had none of that. I'd get stoned and clean the entire house if no one was home. (I think that stemmed partly from my perfectionist nature - having to keep everything clean and orderly.) And before I knew it, that was my life. As a freshman in high school, I'd get high before going to school, I'd be clear by 3rd period or so and stay that way till I got home, then get high again in the evening. Sometimes, I'd skip school in the afternoon and hang out with friends whose parents both worked. Latchkey kids, they called them. To me, that was the coolest thing. I never had that option since my mom was a housewife and also worked from home. I couldn't be anywhere near home. And the weekends were easy - I'd just tell my parents I was staying at a friend's house overnight. If I wanted to come home, I'd just say there was some issue like my friend got in trouble or her parents were fighting. Some crazy, but realistic excuse.

I learned all the tricks and I was on top for a long time. Well, when you're a teenager, even a month is a long time. But I was on top for nearly a year. I was one of the coolest. We partied every weekend and life was a party. Then, my sophomore year, I landed in rehab. Apparently, I wasn't smarter than my parents for long. Now, I'm so thankful that I was caught before I turned 18. I was 16 at the time and my parents had full responsibility and discretion of my life. I knew I had to go and I went willingly. Now, before this snowball even began, I knew what I wanted to do in life - I wanted to be an architect. I knew this required school - a lot of it - and I knew I would get there. Ok, I went a little sideways from architecture but I still got through school and found a career I love. So, for me, rehab was going to be a necessary step. I saw where some of my friends and their friends were in life. It wasn't pretty. Some were in their 20's with no job, living with their parents or in an apartment with 5 or 6 other people, sleeping on a mattress on the floor. That wasn't going to be me. So, at 16, I was admitted into rehab. Being there willingly didn't make it much easier. I went through the same mental anguish and physical withdrawals as the other kids there. The term "cool" no longer applied to this life because there were no cliques "on the inside", as we called it. We had to get through and graduate or we wouldn't get out. My life consisted of group therapy, physical education, meditation and self introspection every single day. And even with all of that, my stay there wasn't without setbacks. I was supposed to be there for 30 days but before that, one kid managed to get out one day - he was 18 (the max age for this facility) and had his motorcycle there. He rigged one of the windows so the security system wouldn't go off and brought us back some hashish. The next morning, the staff hit us with a surprise UA. We were all caught. By participating in that little stunt, I added 15 days to my stay. But as tough as it was to get through all of that, the hardest part was putting it all out there for my parents. They had caught me so they knew something. But they didn't know everything. The first week there I had to call my mom and ask her to bring me a carton of cigarettes and pickup my birth control prescription. I'm still not sure how I managed to spit all that out. But I was defeated. I had nothing left. I had nothing to lose. Thankfully, mom was understanding and compassionate.

After I got out and got home, I relapsed once and that was the end of the compassion and beginning of tough love. They kicked me out. I lived with a girlfriend and her mom for the duration of my high school years. I got a job and contributed to the household. And I never did drugs again. I was determined to be a better person. But I still wanted the cool factor. By then, cool had a different meaning. Just having had been in rehab had a sobering, yet cool connotation to it when I returned to school. People looked at me differently. Or maybe I looked at them differently. All of the therapy did teach me that I didn't need acceptance from others to be worthy of the successes in life. I had my few close friends, still and they liked me for who I was. I didn't need the approval of anyone else. I realized that "cool" is not what you do or who you hang out with, but who you are. The only real requirements of being cool are to remain calm, and not react to adversity, but to embrace it and do what needs to be done to deal with it.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger...

When I was a kid, my best friend John had a husky named Rusty. She was a sweet, tolerant pup. We found out that dogs would answer to up to three different names so we started calling her Yogurt. I know now that it's more how you say it than what you say for the dog to respond and understand. But back then, we thought it was the funniest thing that we could give her a completely different name and she'd answer to it.

Fast-forward 30 years...

I started out calling him Tigger. He was bouncy, just like the character, and kinda dim-witted. And striped. It fit. In the 3+ years I've had him, he's become almost as perfect a dog as Forest was. Tiger still has time and is improving every day so it's quite possible that he'll attain that status. Not that he cares, of course. Unless there are treats for earning "best dog"! Which there are.

"Piglet" was his next name - coined by my mom. Man, oh man, could that pup eat! While Forest would take his time, seemingly savoring each bite, Tiger would practically inhale his food. It was crazy! And, to this day, he does the same thing. Any food in his bowl or on the floor will be gone in seconds.

So, I put the names together - Tiglet. But that sounded funny. Twiglet sounded better. It flowed better. But then, I shortened that to just Twigs. And sometimes I'll even call him Twiggles.

[Sidenote - Forest also had a nickname. I started by calling him Dog Nut - stemming from doughnut. Pretty soon it became Nutters and got shortened to just Nuts. So, with both of them, I had Nuts and Twigs. LOL! I couldn't have planned that better!]

I love my Twiglet and I wish him the happiest 4th birthday ever! He's a good, good boy and deserves everything I spoil him with.

I love you baby Twigs! Happy Birthday!

We don’t always need the things we want

We’re all consumers. There’s no way around it nowadays. We’re bombarded by the media convincing us that what we really need is what they’re selling. The bigger house, the more efficient car, the faster computer, the less-clumping mascara – you’ll be smarter, more powerful, and much more gorgeous! It’s all just hype. We know that, but we still sit mesmerized by the 2am infomercials telling us how much better of a cook we’ll be with this latest high-tech invention, or how much cleaner our carpets will be using this state of the art vacuum. It’s absolutely amazing!

I’m not saying don’t buy things. We need many of these things. In the last couple years I’ve pared down my frivolous spending ten-fold. Consciously thinking about every purchase takes work. And sometimes it’s really, really annoying. “But I really want that! It’s so cool!” But do I need it? Not likely. I have everything I need to live. And, of course, if my vacuum breaks, I’ll research the best one for the best deal. Sometimes the latest, greatest model really is the best deal – but not always.

Personally, I’ve done this because, besides the money savings, I’ve wanted to get out of that “consumerist” attitude. I’d rather have money to spend on things like organic foods and fun life experiences. Oh, and wine. I don’t want “things”, I want to enjoy life. And to do that I need to take care of myself by eating as well as I can, and balancing work and life by getting out, having fun and doing things I enjoy.

To me, “the basics” not only include food, shelter and clothing. The basics of life should also embrace health, peace of mind, happiness, and love. Oftentimes, these necessities are overlooked as secondary goals. They’re not. Life is the experience we have while we exist in this consciousness. Every one of us deserves every one of these basics of life – no one is exempt. No one.

I’ve seen people short-change themselves for the happiness of another. This does not work. If you’re not happy then how can a loved one be happy with you? I’ve seen people cut down because of another person. How can that person truly be happy by crushing their loved ones self-worth? They can’t. You need to start with yourself. You are the only one you have control over. Take care to actually require all of the basics in life that you deserve. Keep in mind that you may already have many of these things – we tend to become too focused on what’s missing to see what is already there. And then, once you realize everything you do have, you’ll become empowered knowing that you really do deserve the love and happiness and peace in your heart. You’ll exude that self-worth and that, in turn, will radiate outwards and affect your loved ones in a positive way.

So, while we don't always need what we want, we do deserve the things we may think we're unworthy of. We truly are all worthy.

I wish you a wonderful holiday season!
Namaste!

Gratitude

Throughout my limited writing endeavor I’ve learned many things about life but the one thing that stands out the most is that happiness is a direct and proportional result of gratefulness. I find that I circle back to this fact in nearly every post. I find that I circle back to this fact in nearly every experience in my life. It is, for me, a hard and fast rule of life. Sadly, most people don’t embrace this rule until the time of year when we are bombarded by the media with giving thanks.

Give thanks for these couple months then, come January 1^st, feel free to go back to whining and bitching and complaining!

Ummm, no thanks. What that really translates into is – Be happy for these couple of months then, come January 1^st, feel free to go back to being miserable! A universal truth – the things you focus on will grow in your reality. So, if you focus on the positive then positive things will become abundant. If you focus on the negative, well, I think we’ve all been there at one point or another. It snowballs.

One good thing about the media at this time of year is that they do emphasize the need for compassion and empathy and support for those less fortunate. Help feed the homeless on the holidays. Donate a toy for an orphaned child. Send a care package to our overseas military. Volunteer your time to an ailing child or disabled vet. Yes, these are all important things but the most important concept to realize is how fortunate you yourself are. The majority of us have a home and a family and loved ones and reasonable health and gainful employment. The more we consciously focus on what we have in this realm, instead of focusing on what we don’t have in the material world, the happier and more content we’ll live - at any time of the year.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.

-  Denis Waitley

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, all!