Hello to all of my friends and readers!

This is simply an intermediate note just because I have not posted in a while. I'm currently in a holding pattern with my posts. I have several started and none finished. Writer's block? Maybe. I've never been a writer before so this is a new experience to me. It's actually kind of exciting. If I have writer's block, that in itself implies that I am, to some degree, an actual writer. Yay!

So, how do I get past this mental obstacle? I have no idea at the moment, but I know I'll figure it out. For now, I'm going to spend some time with this challenge. Feel it out. Take it out for a drink. Find out what makes it tick. After that, with any luck, I'll have the understanding needed to leave it behind.

Thanks for your patience, everyone. I appreciate each of you supporting my visions of writer-hood.

Namaste.

Advice

Take it slow - Apparently, this is one of the things some people will tell you when you’re in a new relationship. However, the speed of something like this is absolutely irrelevant to me. Most of you know me – I take things as they need to be taken. Period. And if there’s something I really want, I don’t hesitate. I may take my time researching and pondering, but I haven’t reached this point in my life by waiting for the right time. I’ve found that you have to make the time right. Carpe diem, baby! I knew I was ready for a relationship. I actively searched for it. It was just a matter of finding the right person. I don’t mean for it to sound as generic as shopping for the right accessory to go with the dress I just bought (looking for the right companion to go with the life I’m living) but, in reality, it is that simple. Of course, simple doesn’t imply easy.

I had expected my search to take several months. Maybe a year. Maybe more. I had no idea what type of people I’d find out there so I simply kept an open mind, hoped for the best and didn’t get discouraged when it wasn’t the right person. Once I had gone through several people who weren’t quite right, it wasn’t hard to identify the one who was. And, lucky me, he felt the same! So in terms of how fast or slow we move in our relationship, well, let’s put it this way: I’m 45 years old. I know where I am. I know what I want. I know where I want to go. I live by gut instinct which keeps me out of most trouble. And I’m not afraid to get hurt. Seriously. What, exactly, am I supposed to be waiting for? Yes, there needs to be time to get to know one another, determine compatibilities, learn the idiosyncrasies, meet the families and friends. But after that it’s all fair game. I will put myself completely out there and risk whatever it takes to have the relationship I want. I know that if I hold back, I’m not giving myself, the other person, or the relationship the respect that is deserved. There is no successful relationship without that risk. It’s all or nothing. It’s scary as hell. But if it's real, it's worth the risk. Screw it! I’m going for it! Tell someone else to take it slow.

Wherever you go, there you are

Over the last several years I’ve consciously directed my focus inwards on myself. They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else. I found that theory to be extremely insightful but horribly evasive. It’s so much easier to focus your attention on someone else and basically disconnect yourself from your own light. I have an understanding and empathy of people and their life circumstances that makes it easy for me to overlook their shortcomings. Mine, however, can only be addressed and accepted by me and I certainly don’t want to put that on another person. My mom always called me a “people pleaser” and that personality trait has had a negative impact on my life for, well, forever. Yes, it makes me a “nice person” in everyone else’s eyes. That’s a positive thing. But it has also forced me into situations I wasn’t comfortable with and occasionally created a behavior that just wasn’t me. It wasn’t until I spent some serious quality time with myself that I realized these things. I knew this is how I was, but I didn’t make the connection that I had been veering away from my true self and the damage that action was causing me.

There is no magic rule or path to follow that enabled me to find and stay true to myself. I have learned to say No. I have also learned to say Yes. I stop and think of what feels right for me before making a decision. Previously, I would try to make an educated guess as to what the other party would prefer. Now, I’ll take into account how my decision will affect others, but I will also give an honest, thoughtful answer of my own interest.

Once I found the real me, I had to concentrate on the more difficult part of this introspection - learning to accept who I am. I needed to learn to live with my issues or correct them if I couldn’t. I had to look at myself with the same empathy and understanding that I gave to others. They say you are your own worst critic and I’m no exception. So, I gave myself a break. I’ve been through a lot in my life – just like most people have – and every single ordeal, trauma and happening had a hand in shaping me to be the person I am today. I learned from everything and I regret nothing. As long as I’m still learning from life, I’ll always know I’ve done the best I can do. And that alone gives me the confidence to know that I’m worthy of every happiness available to me.

Be happy with yourself. Be friends with yourself. You are the most worthy person of your love and understanding.

Soul Mates

Have you ever known people who were self-proclaimed soul mates? Maybe you are one. I’ve never had the experience of that degree of connectedness with a person. I’ve heard about it, read about it, seen it in movies. To me, it always sounded like some kind of hearts and flowers, star-crossed lover-syndrome from the 60’s. I don’t doubt these people have this type of connection to one another, but then isn’t it also possible they’ve had permanent mental alterations from all the LSD they took in college?

Surely people are too technically advanced to be able to have relationships like that nowadays. Friendships have been relegated to how many of your friends’ Facebook posts you “Like”. Dating is best accomplished online as you eagerly await the next “Wink” and then send messages back and forth for weeks until you think can trust them enough to actually meet in person. We move like robots through life, working like crazy and then trying to get any downtime we can in order to meet that “one”. It’s all we can do to find a date, much less someone who actually wants to add the turmoil of a romantic relationship to their life.

But, I know me and while I have enjoyed being by myself, I’m not one to stay that way. I know what I want and what I deserve. And, in reference to the Universe listening, I feel wholeheartedly that I have found it. After a couple of false starts and several more first dates, the tides have turned in my favor.

From the very beginning, the communication between us has just flowed. We’ve put as much on the table as the table will currently hold. Then once all of that information gets filed away, we’ll add more to the table. Nothing is left out, nothing is off-limits. Nothing is judged and everything is accepted. And in throwing everything out there we’ve found that not only are we on the same page, but we are on the same sentence in the same paragraph on the same page.

I am baffled and amazed at this whole experience. Is this even possible? It seems so very incredible, in the literal sense. But, as I’ve always found, it’s pointless to question it. I may never know the answer. And, more precisely, I don’t need to know the answer.

Singing

I absolutely LOVE to sing. And I think I sound pretty good. In the car. Alone. With the windows rolled up. Preferably while it's pouring down rain so no one actually sees me.  I would never - and I mean NEVER - sing karaoke. In public? Oh, hell no!

 

The funny part, to me, is that I've performed musically a lot - through middle and high school in the different bands and even some solo. And now, in my career I occasionally run meetings and lead demos. So, it's not a "stage fright" issue. 

Well, maybe a little.

 

One of the popular sayings recently is "Dance like no one is watching". To me, this is a total no-brainer because I really don't care what other people think of me and what I'm doing. I'll go dancing (granted rarely) and I know I don't dance well but I'll be having fun. I don't get embarrassed or feel humiliated. I believe those feelings come from that same little voice in your head that tells you when you "can't" do or be something. You should never listen to that voice. I do and say whatever I feel is right. I have never thought it right to intentionally hurt someone's feelings, so barring that, all else is fair game! I don't have much in terms of ego - I'm an open book with nothing really to hide and if I get hurt along the way, I'll know there's a lesson in the experience. I have enough self-confidence to say that I am who I am and if you don't like me, that's ok. I can't change that and I'm ok with it.

 

I have to assume, simply because of the popularity of the saying, that there are people who wouldn't dance like no one is watching. To them I say, "Who cares?" People seem to think that everyone else is watching, and cares about, what they're doing. They don't. They only care about what they themselves are doing and that other people don't think adversely of them. It's a vicious circle. So when I see someone doing something goofy in public, I'll laugh and acknowledge them as encouragement. Being uptight and worrying about everything only leads to health issues and unhappiness. Be content with who you are. Show the world. Free yourself.

 

Now, let me at that karaoke machine!

 

hmmm...

 

I think I'll start with dancing in the street. I'll need to work my way up to singing...